As social justice activists, we deal with a lot of heavy stuff. Compassion burnout is common. It's important to care for ourselves as well as others. One way to do this is to make time for laughter. Enjoy!
St. Francis Reports to God
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the world? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, sir-just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St.Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Summer Reading for Monkies
A monkey was seen coming out of the library with two books underarm. When asked by another patron what the books were the monkey showed the titles - The Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. "I've just got to know for sure - am I my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother?" the near relative of the human species added.
The Aetheist and the Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Please help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
New Arrivals at the Pearly Gates
A T-V evangelist and a Social Activist, both from Los Angeles, died
and went to Heaven. After a few days lingering at the Pearly Gates,
St. Peter himself showed up.
He made his apologies, "I'm sorry to be so late but I have been
very busy packing them into Paradise. Unfortunately, there's no
room left for you right now."
"Both of you will have to go to the waiting room down below until I
can create enough space for new arrivals in the Hereafter.
"We have plans to build a new extension called "Purgatory. There
you can get properly laundered up for Heaven!"
With great disappointment, they reluctantly carried out these
directions.
A few months later in a great panic Lucifer phoned St. Peter on the
hot line.
He yelled, "You're gonna have to get these guys out of here fast."
With great astonishment, Peter enquired:
"Just what went wrong?"
In a wild panic Lucifer bellowed back:
"One has converted thousands! And that other character?
"Well, that rascal has organized a petition to the angels to use their
clout with the Fire Marshall to have that place air-conditioned!"
Four young novice nuns were about to take their final vows, dressed in their white gowns. They entered the chapel where the Mother Superior was waiting for them for the ceremony to marry them to God. In front of them on the table were the four wedding rings.
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with their yarmulkes, payis and long beards came in and sat silently in the front row.
Somewhat taken aback, the Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
In reply, the Rabbis intoned, "We're from the groom's side ! "
A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized: "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father . . . But this newspaper says that the Pope does!"
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered: "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
A serious theological dispute arose between three different professions., a surgeon, an engineer and a politician They vehemently argued this question:
"Which of their three disciplines did the Lord first use for the creation of humans to populate the earth ?"
First the surgeon laid claim: "The Bible says that Eve was made from one of Adam's ribs. Hence the surgical skills of a physician were needed."
Then the engineer raised a strong objection claiming: "Not at all! An engineering job came before that. In six days
the earth was created out of chaos! And that was an engineer's job."
Then the wily politician summed up the case by simply raising the pompous question: "Yes, but who created chaos?"
P.S. Fortunately, God had not yet got around to creating "theologians!"
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighbourhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan thought, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth McDonalds deep fried chicken. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan brought forth right wing political parties to ruin the existing health plans; also transnationals to make big profits while destroying the land.
And God created more social activists.
And the last we saw Satan was still wringing his hands!
(From: Robin Stillman, Berkshire, England, with minor editing)